This isn't a quest for control, but of truth. My whole life I have wanted love to be a universal truth, something that doesn't need to be debated, and doesn't get questioned. No room for wonder, or past regrets. No room for freeze dried feelings kept protected by memory which distorts as time goes on.
That two people both have the same understanding, and commitment to the other without wondering doubts that lay at night.
For all of my relationships that I knew were bad before they started, I could easily attribute it to incompatibility, or over use of commas, or her.
That is an undervalued fear in a wonderful relationship. That failure ultimately dooms your hope for anything but this game which I cannot win.
The repeating theme is that everything is fine for a year or two, and then she starts looking for what I cannot give her.
This could be me, but I have the feeling that it's more a consequence of male/female relations. The dreams of what is being missed.
It is irrelevant what is being missed, or if there is any value (to her) in it, just that it cannot be had.
And that is the fucking sickness is all of this.
Once you can be had, have been had, are understood like all good lovers should, you are immediately not something else.
Your value is not as important as what you are lacking. We are all lacking.
I have this urgent sense to avoid having this play out. I want to run.
I want to never experience the deteriation. I want to forever to remember things the way they are now.
Maybe I am just too upset to make sense.
I am sick and tired of justifying my value. I am valuable. I am meaningful. I am wonderful.
And yet, everyday is a struggle to insist that I'm more worthy than anyone else out there, imaginary or not.
I feel as though any struggle just delays the inevitable.
I don't want to fight it. I don't want to care, although I do.
Girls fucking suck because they are impossible to win with. No matter what you do, no matter how nice you are, no matter how much you give, you cannot win.
The game is rigged. You have been duped. The only question is to give up, or to play a game you know you'll lose.
If any of you have gambling additions, then you will understand this statement very well.
The feeling of losing at a casino table, and spending more money than you planned on.
The feeling of need to go back to redeem yourself...
It's the exact same feeling, I mean EXACT same feeling as trying to save a relationship you are losing.
and it sucks.
-p2
2005-10-02 - still gone
2005-02-03 - We've moved!
2005-01-30 - I'll take a #3 please
2005-01-26 - The Matrix Has You
2005-01-26 - Lowered standards.
