I'm doing things I probably shouldn't be doing with my ex on more-or-less a regular basis. I still find her physically attractive, but there's something about her mindset that just turns me off. She's intelligent, but there's just something lacking about her.

I'm definitely feeling an attraction towards another female friend of mine, but she doesn't seem interested in the slightest. I'm unsure whether she's picked up on my interest, she'll do something like randomly sit on my lap at the bus stop, claiming it's to avoid sitting on the cold bus stop seats. It's plausible, and probably the case, but it does little to ease my fragile mindstate.

What do I do? Do I keep coupling mindlessly with the ex, or do I actually go after the woman I've been thinking about on and off for the last several years? I don't love either of them. Other than friendship, I don't have a connection with either of them. I'm unsure where to go from here.

I've been interacting with the ex on a more mental level, lately, getting her involved in a game of strategy that I often play to relax. Seeing how she plays has given me more of an insight to the workings of her mind. She's very competitive, but not to the point of being a jerk. Her mind quickly assimilates new information relating to the game. But sometimes, it seems almost like she's scared to lose.

Her other friends give her flack for maintaining her connection to me, and for good reason. I was an asshole for most of our relationship, before dumping her for no obvious reason. I think she suffers from what I call "beaten puppy syndrome". Once a puppy forms a bond, it'll love you forever, no matter how badly you treat it.

I wish I was the sort of guy that'd treat her right, but I'm not, and never will be.

-p4

Recent entries:
2005-10-02 - still gone
2005-02-03 - We've moved!
2005-01-30 - I'll take a #3 please
2005-01-26 - The Matrix Has You
2005-01-26 - Lowered standards.